


In Love And War -Integrity-

by FriendlyCactus



Series: Seven shades of dumb. [4]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Agender Reader, Alternate Universe - Mafiafell, Don't Try This At Home, Drugs, Enemies to Lovers, Gen, I love being clear in my tags, Kidnapping, Kinda, Love Potion/Spell, M/M, My English has limitations, Reader-Insert, Slow Burn, Sort Of, again kinda, it's complicated - Freeform, no fedoras and '20 lingo, some violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:35:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22290424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FriendlyCactus/pseuds/FriendlyCactus
Summary: You're a cop. Red is a criminal.It's very simple.Then, suddenly, it becomes very, very complicated.And also very dumb.
Relationships: Mafiafell Sans/Reader, OC/Mafiafell Papyrus, Sans (Undertale)/Reader
Series: Seven shades of dumb. [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1604434
Comments: 112
Kudos: 233





	1. Don't Steal

**Author's Note:**

> I just love the fresh smell of new projects banging around in my head in the dead of the night!

You tiredly massaged your temples.

The usual chaos of loud voices that reigned in the overpopulated police station was doing nothing to soothe your incoming migraine.

“Hey Jin,” you said at your best friend and coworker, “how much time until my cop retirement?”

Jin laughed. “Judging by your long career of half a decade, I’d say that you have still a long time ahead of you, buddy.”

You sighed.

“Let’s try this one more time” you said lowering your hands, looking at the handcuffed cat monster in front of you.

Between you, scattered all over your desk, there was the content of his pockets.

His many, _many_ pockets.

“I already told you, officer, I was not dealing drugs to anyone! That packet you’ve found on me, I’ve never seen it before! You’ve got the wrong guy, it was probably Jerry who slipped it in my pocket, that bastard is always trying to get me in troubles.”

“And this?” you asked, holding up a normal-looking bottle of water.

That cat monster started sweating even more, avoiding eye contact with the bottle.

“That’s… uh… just monster alcohol.”

You put it back down.

“You know, I could even believe you if only the officer who brought you here didn’t put in this bottle a testing stick that immediately turned pink. You know that this thing is very illegal, right?”

“I… It’s for personal use!”

“A love potion?”

At your back, you heard Jin snicker. “Come on, give the man a break! Maybe he just needs a little push to love himself.”

You were going to scream, not laugh.

Living in a city as filled with crime as this meant that work was never going to lack for the police, but at the same time you were starting to regret not accepting a less nerve-wracking job at your small town back home.

The regret became even stronger when the front door opened and you heard swearing in a loud and unfortunately familiar voice.

“Look who’s there! I was starting to miss his suave tone and charming presence” said Jin.

You groaned and looked up.

Wrong move: Red locked eyes with you and started marching straight to your desk, ignoring the officer who brought him there and was trailing helplessly behind him.

“you!” Red said, slamming his handcuffed hands on your desk, scattering even more all the evidence. The cat monster yelped and cowered, but Red ignored him and kept shooting daggers at you. “you fucker! what the fuck is this shit?”

You looked calmly at his red-glowing handcuffs. “New magic-suppressing restraining items calibrated on your soul-waves.”

“i know what they are! how did you get a sample of my magic? and yes, i know it was you!”

“Well, maybe next time I try to arrest you, you’ll think twice before throwing bones at me. The tiny ones are easy to hide.”

“That’s what she said” commented Jin laying the back of his head on your shoulder. Was he balancing on the back legs of his chair again? “Come on Red, you know how these things go. Sometimes you get to do your shady deeds in a back alley, and sometimes we catch you on time and you spend some vacation days in our resort cells before one of your rich buddies busts you out with your scary lawyers. Speaking of which, how’s Edge doing? I miss him and his sparkly personality, he’s always so joyous.”

Red shifted his attention to your coworker. “last time he mentioned you, he called you _the blabbering fool_ and said he was going to whip you into shape since you running to arrest him was the most embarrassing thing he ever saw in his life.”

“Ouch. Anyway, our buddy here just happens to be the unlucky one with a strong penchant for stepping on your toes, you shouldn’t take it so personally.”

Red dug the sharp tips of his fingers into your poor desk, switching his attention back on you.

“Thank you, Jin. You always know what to say to make things better” you said dislodging your friend’s head from your shoulder and hearing his chair land on the ground.

“Don’t mention it.”

You sighed again and slouched back on your own chair, giving the furious monster the most uncaring look you could manage. In the past, when you were just a young rookie feeling lost in this big city, having a monster known to be part of one of the most notorious criminal families snarl at you with his sharp teeth would have made you nearly poop your pants (actually, it may have happened one or two times…), but by now you had grown jaded with all the posturing and growling.

While Red was pretty much a loose cannon, the rest of his family had far more sense and tried very hard to keep itself out of the police radar, and that meant keeping him on a tight leash too; seriously maiming or outright killing a cop was a strict no-no, so there wasn’t much Red could actually do to you, especially after being already arrested.

“You heard the man. Don’t be a sore loser, and go to your cell with the nice policeman here. It’s not like you’ll stay there for long anyway” you added with a resigned tone.

Red’s eyelights restricted.

_Well, there he goes._

Three.

Two.

One.

With a loud curse Red grabbed the underside of your desk and flipped it around with a crash.

Damn, it was the third time this month, your boss wasn’t going to be pleased.

For a moment, the entire station fell in blessed silence, then, slowly, everyone shifted their attention back to their business; it wasn’t anything new, after all.

“this doesn’t end here” threatened Red before letting the police officer tug him away.

“Weell, that went better than expected” said Jin after a whistle, while you crouched to right you desk back up and retrieve all the evidence from the ground.

…

Wait.

Where was the bottle?

Had it rolled further away or… or…

You felt a cold realization settle itself slowly in your stomach.

For the first time in your life, you swore out loud.

“Fuck!”

You got up and sprinted after Red.

He was already halfway across the room, and you saw him nearly in slow motion lifting the normal-looking water bottle, which he had likely stolen from your desk just to spite you, and drinking a big gulp from it.

Damn damn damn!

You collided with his back and quickly put your hands on his eyesockets.

“what the fuck…?!”

“Don’t look! Everyone, stay away, he just drunk a love potion!”

Everyone fell silent again and you felt Red stiffen against you.

“are you shitting me?”

“I’m not covering your eyes to play hide and seek, Red. Quick, someone give me something to cover his eyes!”

“i can cover my own damn eyes by myself, you bastard. what the fuck are you doing, leaving shit like that laying around?”

“It’s _proof_ , and it’s not my fault you think drinking from random bottles it’s a good ide- _aargh!_ ”

Suddenly you felt something collide strongly with your back, causing you to fall on Red and the both of you to crash-land on a desk and then painfully on the ground.

You opened your eyes just in time to see the cat monster escape through the front door, but before you could get up to chase him you felt a hand grab your wrist.

A skeletal hand.

No.

Oh no.

Slowly, you turned your head around.

Your sudden fall had caused you to remove your hands from Red’s eyes, and he must have opened them by reflex to see where he was landing.

And now, he was looking straight at you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, I have a Tumblr now. If you want to come and keep me company, you are welcome! https://hugthefriendlycactus.tumblr.com/  
> Also, in case someone feels like buying me a coffee, here's the link: https://ko-fi.com/9friendlycactus3  
> Don't worry, I'll keep writing the same way and for everyone, don't feel forced to give me the big money, okay?


	2. Don't threaten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Red is a real romantic.

For a moment, you just stared at each other while a giant neon sign spelling OH CRAP kept going on and off in your brain.

Nonononono, this wasn’t absolutely happening.

But maybe there was still a ray of hope: love potions were notoriously unstable and often defective spells; maybe this one would last only a day, or maybe it wasn’t very strong, or maybe it wouldn’t work at all…

Red’s eyelights dilated, and he took a deep breath.

“ ** _fuck you’re hot._** ”

The neon sign flashed red and then exploded, taking with it the most part of your working brain.

The next thing you knew, he was tugging at your wrist and sinking his big sharp teeth in your shoulder, dangerously close to your neck.

The world around you faded, muffled by a curtain of pain and another strange feeling that threatened to leave you boneless, whispering at you to just relax and… submit…

You opened and closed your hands, while a strange sound that totally wasn’t a moan and certainly didn’t belong to your voice exited your mouth.

You felt Red shiver and press your body more firmly to him.

Then you punched him straight on his left temple.

Red crumpled on the ground and in the next instant a lot of your coworkers were on him like a pack of wolves on a deer, restraining him and dragging him to his cell.

Twenty minutes later, Doctor Alphyis allowed you to button your clothes back up.

“You should thank your lucky star that the rush of the spell made him stupid and he didn’t think of tearing your shirt away first. The bite is merely a scratch and incomplete, so it’s not enough to make it a claiming. Plus, he didn’t have enough magic to do it properly anyway.”

You thought back at how you felt when Red bit you. And _that_ was only an incomplete, ineffective claiming bite?

“What about the potion?”

“Well, if you idiots had not scattered it all around the floor, I could have analyzed it and maybe come up with more informations, but right now the only thing I can say for sure is that you’re probably in for a lot of troubles. This doesn’t seem like the usual scam that only makes people have a rush of endorphyns and makes them believe for a short time they are in love. If Red went straight on to the claiming, this must be very serious, so you’ll need to find out who created the potion and pray every god you know that they can also create an antidote.”

“Splendid, now I have to find that cat again and Red will be out in a few days. Got any advice on how to deal with a criminal monster who believes he’s in love with me?”

Alphys looked you dead in the eyes.

“Be sure to use protections.”

…

“You’re not funny.”

“Flowers are always a welcomed gift.”

“Stop it.”

“Don’t let him be the one to always pay for dinner. It’s rude.”

“Okay, I’m leaving. And you should stop hanging out with Jin, he’s a bad influence for you.”

“Don’t forget to dress nicely to show that you care!”

You slammed the door shut behind you.

Five days later, you were a shadow walking on two legs.

You still hadn’t found the cat monster, the scratches on your shoulder itched like crazy and today Red was going to be released.

Ah, and you were also the laughing stock of the department, with your colleagues teasing you and asking if they should bring tommy guns and handcuffs at your impending mafia wedding.

“Don’t worry too much, buddy” said Jin clapping a hand on your shoulder. “You know that we’ve all got your back.”

“Is that why I found lube on my desk this morning? Because right now I’m not sure I’m comfortable with the idea of all of you at my back.”

“Ah, that was probably Kate. You know she’s got a questionable sense of humor.”

“Fuck you, Jin” said Kate calmly from her desk.

“Love you too. Anyway, I’ve got two news for you, buddy” he said, starting to put his jacket on. “One bad and one good.”

“I already know I’m going to regret hearing both of them.”

“Well, you’re partially right. The good one is that I checked on Red these days and he’s considerably calmed down. He stopped asking to see you since yesterday and when today he was released during your lunch break he went away with Edge without trying to make a break to see you.” 

“You had to hear him swearing up a storm the first day when you refused to go see him, he looked ready to propose to you and drag you to a church with his handcuffs wrapped around your neck” said Kate’s twin Elly, before getting up and clasping her hands like she was praying. “ _I, Red The Jerk, swear to take this police officer I hate but also want to bone as my spouse, in health and in love potion-sickness, in crime and in jail, and I swear to fake-love them until antidote or murder parts us.”_

Kate got up as well and pretended to give her a blessing. “ _Then go, my children. I declare you_ _drugged husband and unwilling spouse. You can now take your guns and shoot the gang members who don’t approve of this union._ ” 

They started laughing hysterically and collapsed on each other.

You crumpled a piece of paper and threw it at them, hitting Elly on the head.

“And the bad one?”

“He’s being waiting for you just outside for three hours, chain-smoking and looking at his watch with murder in his eyes.”

You groaned and hid your face behind your hands.

“I’m taking residence here.”

“Splendid, this way you can do my paperwork too!”

You put your hands back down and looked at him suspiciously. “I don’t think so. Where are you going anyway? Our shift hasn’t ended yet.”

He grabbed his car keys from his pocket and hid his face under a baseball cap. “I’m going to follow Edge for a bit, I heard him say earlier that he had an appointment with a client at a restaurant I know.”

“You know that he would never say anything incriminating in front of you, right?”

“I wasn’t in front of him. I may have accidentally slipped a bug on him when he came to take Red away.”

“One of these days I’ll come to work and find out they had to rescue you from being shipped naked and gagged in a box headed to the Gobi desert under Edge’s personal order, and I will laugh and take hundreds of pictures.”

“Ooh, they would go so well with those of your and Red’s wedding!” snickered Elly.

“We could make an album!” added Kate.

“You two are not invited” you said calmly as Jin made his way to the exit after making finger-guns at you.

“What? But we were already choosing our dresses to be the bridesmaids!”

“You’re no fun!” 

“I know you two evil twins: you would come only to put bugs on every guest, hoping to arrest everyone. You’re worse than Jin.” 

They directed at you two identical diabolic smiles.

“Busted.”

It was time.

After helping everyone with their paperwork and volunteering to tidy up the archive, you couldn’t find any other excuse to not go home.

Walking out of the police station, you immediately individuated Red standing under a streetlamp in the middle of a thick circle of cigarette butts.

He saw you as well and threw his last cigarette on the ground before stomping on it.

“you’re late.”

You began walking toward your car, knowing that unfortunately he’d follow you.

At least he wasn’t jumping at your neck anymore.

“I don’t really want to have this conversation. Let’s just ignore each other until I find the antidote and then we can forget this ever happ-”

You stopped talking, stiffening as Red grabbed your hand to halt you.

“come to my place.”

“No.”

“i want to talk to you.”

“We are talking.”

“you know what i mean.”

“No I don’t.”

Yes you did.

“i mean about us.”

There he was.

Finally, you turned around and yanked your hand out of his grasp. “There is no _us_ , Red. You just drank a freaking love potion! You know very well that in reality you hate my guts, and I wouldn’t make a favor to any of us if I let you mooning over me while you’re in this state.”

He made a step forward, and you took a step back.

You were not re-enacting _The Biting of the Law_ part II _._

“fucking hell, i just want to talk! why do you always have to be this difficult?”

“Have you heard anything I just said?”

“yeah yeah, you think i don’t already know? trying to claim you was not my best moment and for once i’m actually glad you punched the ever-loving shit out of me, because being tied to you forever would really suck. but we still have to sort things out, and i’d like to do that where none of your bug-placing nosy friends can hear us.” 

You thought you heard a muffled “Shit!” coming from around the corner in what seemed like Elly’s voice.

Shifting your weight from foot to foot, you began asking yourself if a good talk would indeed be a good idea, since this was the most civil and controlled Red had ever been with you.

“I’m not coming to your place, but we can grab dinner somewhere. Just to talk. It’s not a date.”

“let’s make it your place, then. i don’t really want to be seen with you.”

“Actually, that’s my line. And stop grabbing my hand.”

“yeah, yeah.”

The ride home was uneventful, with you driving and Red slumped on the passenger seat; you were tense, ready to punch him at the first sign he was about to jump you, but he seemed happy to just play with the volume of the radio and ignore you.

Once home, he entered without comment and you didn’t lock the front door, in case you had to make a fast retreat.

Red didn’t lose time to begin rummaging in your kitchen, managing to make two sandwiches in no time.

“Well, make yourself at home” you said rolling your eyes and sitting at the table.

He did the same, sitting next to you.

Ugh.

“So, what did you want to talk about?”

“i really want to fuck you.”

You immediately chocked on the sandwich, with Red slapping your back to help you breathe again.

“Heck no!”

“why not?”

“Because I don’t want to! And even if I did, I wouldn’t anyway, since you’re not in your right mind. That would be like taking advantage of someone drunk.”

Red started howling with laughter, wiping at the red tears that gathered at the corner of his eyesockets. “are you fucking saying you want to protect my _virtue_?”

“This is not really funny” you muttered, munching on another bite.

“sorry to burst your bubble, but i probably would have fucked you even before drinking that shit, if you had asked me.”

You stared incredulously at him.

“This is plain bullcrap. You hate me.”

“come on, never heard of hate sex? right, i’d have filmed the whole thing to blackmail you or some shit, but before i would have fucked you so hard you wouldn’t have been able to walk for a week.”

This was taking more and more the shape of a really bad idea.

Slowly, you put your sandwich down and shifted your chair to face him, in case you needed to restrain him quickly.

“I’m not having sex with you. On to the next topic.”

Red sighed and leaned back on his chair. “i need you to take vacation days.”

“No. Next topic.”

“i need you to wear my clothes.”

“No. Next topic.”

“i **fucking** _need_ you to stop being stubborn and do as i say.”

“No. I’m not staying at home to keep myself out of my dangerous work, I’m not drowning on your scent to keep away possible suitors, and I’m not blindly listening to you to make your life easier. What about _you_ stop doing your criminal work and keep both your hands and teeth away from me?”

You spent the next minute just staring angrily at each other.

“i’m making an effort to actually being gentle here. maybe you’d prefer for me to claim you, kidnap you and lock you away in my basement until you love me back?”

“What can I say, you sure know how to make someone feel special. Maybe you’d prefer for me to use a teaser on you, punch all your teeth out and put a bullet in your skull? Is that lovey-dovey enough for you?”

“you’re fucking impossible!”

“Then it shouldn’t be strange for you to love me, since you’re worse!” 

Red stood abruptly up, making his chair crash down on the pavement.

“Hey, be careful with my stuff!”

“i’m going to kiss you.”

“What?”

He put his hands on the back of your chair and lowered himself to your level, staring intently at your mouth; then he looked down at the gun you were pointing at his chest. “you’re not going to shoot at me, hot stuff.”

“It’s full of enough sedative to put you to sleep for the next week, and don’t call me hot stuff. Now back off.”

For a moment, you thought he was going to actually do it. But then he straightened and took a step back. "what should i call you, then? sweetheart? honey? goodytwoshoes?"

"I think I liked it more when you stuck with insults. Or maybe you could actually use my name for a change"

"maybe if you asked me kindly i could make the effort."

"Kindly how?"

Red smirked and put his hands in his pockets. "how about a little kiss?"

You got up and walked past him, opening the front door. "It's getting late, Red. Go home and think about your impeccable courting methods."

"okay, okay. we'll keep talking tomorrow, maybe after some sleep you'll lose that stick that's up your ass."

"I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you."

Red walked out, turning around to look at you. "i could always help you with tha-"

"Good night, Red" you said interrupting him.

Then you slammed the door on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, I have a Tumblr now. If you want to come and keep me company, you are welcome! https://hugthefriendlycactus.tumblr.com/  
> Also, in case someone feels like buying me a coffee, here's the link: https://ko-fi.com/9friendlycactus3  
> Don't worry, I'll keep writing the same way and for everyone, don't feel forced to give me the big money, okay?


	3. Don't lie.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Be careful what you wish for.

The next morning you arrived at work with a spring in your step typical of a dead sloth and the expression of a junkie looking for their next fix; you had tossed and turned in bed all night, and when finally you had managed to close your eyes for a few minutes, you had dreamed of standing handcuffed in a church while Red walked slowly toward you in a white frilly dress. 

Ugh.

You had half expected to find him waiting for you in front of your door this morning, but fortunately, when you carefully peeked outside, the sidewalk in front of your house was blessedly Red-free.

“Wow, you look like shit” said Kate as you put a cup of coffee on her and Elly’s desk.

“Is Jin still alive?” you asked ignoring her.

“Dunno. Maybe Edge caught him snooping and closed him in his torture dungeon” said Elly sipping from her cup.

“Does he actually have a torture dungeon?” you asked sitting at your desk with a yawn.

“He sure looks like he does.”

“What about Red? Does _he_ have a torture dungeon?” said Elly teasingly.

Fortunately, Jin chose that moment to arrive as well, looking cheerful as always and with all his body parts in their place.

Elly swore under her breath and passed some money to her sister.

“Hey there! Look who survived the night in one piece!” he said ruffling your hair and plopping down on his desk.

“I could say the same to you. Did you actually found out something yesterday?”

“Naah, Edge met some shady dude at that restaurant but they talked in code all the time, so I have a bunch of useless recordings of them talking about weather and family photos. Then the guy left and Edge said directly in the microphone that I had two minutes to sprint away before he decided to come out and catch me with his bare hands.”

“Tell me you didn’t stay there anyway to see if he’d actually do it.”

“I did better: I entered and sat at his table. I mean, that guy left barely after the first course, do you have any idea what a waste that is? So I asked Edge if he wanted to talk about the weather with me too while I was scarfing down those delicious high-class dishes on the menu.”

“Did he?”

“Yep. He said it was a very good time outside to make me work on my sprint. What about you?” he asked putting his feet on his desk and looking at you with a barely suppressed smile.

“ _What_ about me?” you asked back with a straight face.

“Come on, give us the juicy details. You went away with Red in your car last night, did your date go well?” He paused a bit for emphasis. “Did you kiss him goodnight?”

You refused to think back to Red’s face hovering just a few inches from yours.

“No, but my gun did.”

Grumbling, Kate gave Elly her money back.

The door of your boss’ office opened and he called your name over the usual cacophony of the station.

“Ouch, someone’s being called in the principal’s office” said Jin laughing.

You knocked his feet off his desk on your way to what you were sure was a stern discussion about your current situation.

You were right, you two talked about the recent events, your boss inquired about your personal safety, you reassured him that Red didn’t seem on the verge of turning sexually violent toward you, and then the thing you were afraid was going to happen actually happened.

“I know that this situation is inconvenient for you, and I assure you that we are working on finding a way to help. But you’re a smart person, and I’m sure I don’t need to tell you how this whole affair is also an opportunity to finally make a difference.”

You tightened your fists behind your back.

“You want me to play along and encourage Red’s infatuation to extort information from him.”

“It’s necessary. That family is too good at covering their traces, we never have enough proof to incriminate them permanently. We can’t let this opportunity slip through our fingers!”

You shifted your weight on the other foot. “He is under the effect of an illegal potion he assumed unawares. It wouldn’t be very... ethical of me to take advantage.”

Not to mention a total pain in your butt.

“This is not different from going undercover, officer.”

“Excuse me sir, but it is. I have no problem with pretending to be a drug dealer or a gang member, but Red is drugged, and using that to my advantage would be both illegal and immoral. Also, he is very loyal to his family and I doubt he would tell me sensible information anyway. He hasn’t forgotten that I’m a cop.”

You felt torn between your duty and your morals: Red was a criminal, heck, his whole family was composed of criminals, it was your job to finally see them behind bars permanently, and the streets would be much safer without them around; but, at the same time, you felt your chest twist painfully at the thought of doing something so despicable as taking advantage of someone who was not in his right mind, even if that someone was Red. There was a reason if love potions were forbidden, after all.

Your boss rubbed his hand on his face wearily. “You are an excellent officer, but you need to remember that this city is a ruthless place, and you’ll get yourself swallowed by it if you let your morals cloud too much your judgment. If your roles were reversed that criminal wouldn’t hesitate a second to exploit your condition.”

“I’m aware of that.”

“But you’ll still refuse to do it. What about all the people that are going to suffer at those criminals’ hands just because you want to keep your conscience clear?”

You felt a stab in your gut at his words: you knew that he was probably right.

Then again, he had a Justice soul, and those like him were known for having a black and white vision when it came to telling right from wrong: criminals were in the wrong, so those who were in the right had to do all that was possible to fight them.

Even things that an Integrity soul like yours would find very difficult to do without losing the will to look itself in the mirror afterward.

Still, he had a point.

“I don’t have a response to that, sir.”

He sighed. “Maybe it’s better if you take a few vacation days to relax and reflect. You worked yourself to the bone in the last weeks and you sure look like you’re in dire need of some sleep. I’m sure you’ll see things more clearly after a good rest.”

You weren’t sure about that, but you still nodded and did as ordered.

Too bad that you didn’t expect to be jumped and tasered right in front of your house.

...

Ouch.

You slowly opened your eyes, feeling like a truck had used you as a parking spot for a week straight.

You were tied to a chair in what seemed like an abandoned warehouse, surrounded by a group of three, no, four monsters all looking down at you with smirks and general satisfaction.

Judging by how your body felt, they had probably hit you while you were still out. Yeah, you definitely had a split lip and probably a pair of broken ribs.

It hurt just to breathe.

“Rise and shine, little baby!” said one of them gripping your hair and raising harshly your head. “Did you have a nice nap?”

“No”, you panted between gritted teeth. “Your babysitting methods suck.”

“Too bad, maybe you can send your complaints to someone who actually gives a shit. Now let’s get to the reason you’re here: we know you fucks put Gab on witness protection, where is he?”

You just looked up at him in confusion. “Who?”

He let go of your hair and punched you on the already bruised side of your face.

You heard a crunch from your cheekbone area as a sickening pain spread itself all over your head.

“You think I’m stupid, _human_?” he screamed, worsening your already bad headache.

You wanted to answer that you definitely thought he was stupid, but talking seemed out of your range of possibilities right now. 

You spit blood on the ground, waiting for your ears to stop ringing.

“maybe if you stopped hitting on the face someone you actually want to talk, no one would think that low of you, buddy. i doubt a fractured jaw is going to make them more talkative.”

You looked in the direction of the too-familiar voice, finding swirls of smoke slowly making their way out of a shadowed corner where the only source of light were two red dots fixed on you.

“What’s this, Red? I thought you said the potion’s effect was over, or were you lying? You’ve got a problem with me roughing up your new lovertoy?”

“i’ve got a problem with your fucking incompetence. i was ordered to stay here and control that all went smoothly, but all i’m seeing is a bunch of dumbshits who waste time by hitting a target who’s still asleep and then risk giving them a concussion before they could actually start spilling useful information. i can’t say i’m impressed.”

“Well then, why don’t you come over here and show us how it’s done?” said the monster before you, taking a step back. “I’m sure it’s no problem to prove us that this one hasn’t you wrapped around its little finger, right?” 

In the next instant, Red was in front of you, startling the other monsters who all tensed up.

“the moron over there is speaking about gab, the cat monster who had the love potion.”

You fought through the pain in your jaw to speak. “He... ran away that day... why the heck... are you speaking about... witness protection?”

Red smirked and planted a punch in your gut, leaving you breathless and in a whole new bunch of pain.

You gritted your teeth and tried to clear your mind, hoping that the room would stop spinning anytime soon. “You can... torture me all you want. I don’t know... anything about this Gab.”

Red planted his foot on the chair between your legs, looming over you and exhaling a mouthful of smoke in your face, sending you straight in a coughing fit.

Jerk.

“are you sure about this, pal? because if you’re really so useless i might as well just kill you now” he said with a coldness in his eyes that made shivers run down your back: he never looked at you like this, even back when he hated you.

Did that mean that what they were saying was true?

Did the potion’s effect run out on its own?

In any other situation you would have felt relieved, but now all you could think was _damn, what a crappy timing!_

At the edge of your vision you saw the other monsters looking at each other nervously.

“Wait Red, the boss never said anything about killing a cop! We’re just supposed to extort the information and break a leg or two as warning to the others-”

“shut your whiny mouths, will ya? it’s my fucking business who i decide to kill, and this piece of shit here pissed me off one too many times. maybe this will make all of you remember who the hell are you talking to when the thought of laughing behind my back strikes you again, am i right?”

Your vision was starting to go dark at the edges, so you shook your head to clear it.

Bad.

Idea.

Ouch.

“now pal, do you see this? i’m sure you know what it is since you’re so familiar with potions.”

You focused your attention on the small glass vial full of a green liquid in his hand.

You smirked weakly.

“Mouthwash?”

Damn damn damn, a truth serum!

Where the heck did he find such a rare potion?

What was it with this sudden increment in illegal and rare spells trafficking in this last week?

He roughly gripped your chin and when you clamped your mouth shut he made you open it by pinching your nose until you couldn’t resist anymore, then he forced the liquid down your throat, covering your mouth with his hand until he was sure you weren’t going to spit everything out.

“that’s more like it. now, let’s try this again: what’s your name, bitch?”

You told him automatically, the words coming out of your mouth before you could even think them.

“who’s your best friend?”

Again, Jin’s name flew out of your lips without control.

“is jin still trying to do his best to arrest my brother?”

“Yes.”

“how many of you are working on finding leads about my family right now?”

Right now.

He said _right now_. 

As in _in this precise instant_.

“I don’t know.”

“ah, looks like i need to be more specific. how many of you are usually working on finding leads about my family?”

Goddammit, Red!

“About half the station.”

“okay, it looks like it’s working. so, let’s go back to the matter at hand: where is gab?”

“I don’t know.”

“did you see him again after he ran away a week ago?”

“No.”

“do you know someone who knows about his current whereabouts?”

“I don’t know.”

“explain.”

“Nobody told me anything, so I don’t know.”

The monster who hit you before spat on the ground. “So this was really a waste of time, after all. The fuck do we do, now? We can’t kidnap every single cop until we find someone who actually knows shit!”

Red straightened and pulled his foot off your chair.

“looks like a whole bunch of not my problem to me. now if you don’t have any more questions for this bastard i’d like to get to the killing part and finally go home.” 

Wait, not so fast.

“First... let me ask you a question: how did you know... about the witness protection... in the first place?”

Did they have a spy at the police station?

Red smirked down at you.

“you know, you’re not the only ones who like to play with bugs and hidden microphones.”

You knew that, Alphys did a weekly round of all the offices to search for those same things.

Did she fail to find a few of them?

Wait, did it mean that they had actually overheard someone talking about putting that same monster you had been looking for the last week in witness protection?

For what reason?

And why were you not informed?

Red laughed, probably amused by your shocked expression.

“didn’t expect that, did you? you wanna know what i also overheard earlier this morning? you agreeing eagerly with your boss about using that fucking love potion’s effect to fuck with me both physically and metaphorically. too bad that you can’t use that plan anymore.”

You stiffened.

Wait, what?

You looked at Red’s face with your eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

That wasn’t a question, so you didn’t feel compelled to correct him, but in any case why the heck was he saying that-

Red winked at you.

Realization hit you straight in the gut worse than his recent punch.

_Son of a..._

You glared at him and prayed for his own good that he knew what he was doing, watching as he wrapped his phalanges around your neck.

“normally i’d do this quickly, but i kind of have a bone to pick with you, pal.”

His hands tightened, cutting out your airflow.

You could feel your blood pounding in your temples as you struggled to get some air inside your lungs.

What...

_Tump_.

Was...

_Tump_.

He...

_Tump_

_..._

The world darkened once again, while all energies slowly drained out of you.

The last thing you felt was your neck being jerked abruptly to the left as a sickening _crunch_ filled the silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to Annika0130 for suggesting me how to handle the situation in the last part of the chapter, thank you very much!


	4. Don't kidnap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alone with the psycho

No slow awakening this time.

Something touched your forehead, your eyes snapped open and your arm swung reflexively to punch Red’s face so hard that he fell down next to the bed you were laying on.

In the next instant you were up, looking frantically around to assert your surroundings: you were in a normal-looking bedroom, still dressed in your bloodied clothes, and your gun was nowhere in sight.

Red groaned and stood up, massaging his jaw.

“okay, i probably deserved that.”

You picked up the lamp from the bedside table and pointed angrily at him.

“Explain!”

Red looked rather unimpressed with your weapon choice.

“really? you’re threatening me with that? also, you should probably sit back down, you’re not fully healed yet.”

Now that he mentioned it and the first rush of adrenaline was running out, you could feel various aches returning in your body, but you still refused to lower your guard.

“Gee, I wonder whose fault is that! Did you really have to punch me like that and _choke_ _me?_ ”

You brought a hand to your neck, suddenly remembering that awful sound.

“Did you break my _neck?_ ”

How were you _still_ alive?

Red grunted and put his hands in his pockets.

“i think the words you’re looking for are _thank you for saving my ass._ ”

“Up yours for saving my butt! Where am I? What the heck happened?”

Your hands started trembling as a rush of tiredness washed over you.

“aaand there you go. three, two, one...”

Your legs gave up under you and you collapsed on the ground, the lamp falling from your limp hands.

You groaned, feeling like someone had scooped your brain out of your skull with a rusted spoon.

Ugh... this sensation... did this idiot use _healing magic_ instead of bringing you to a hospital?

You were going to kill him! Everyone knew that the less magic a body had, the more it would resist from absorbing it.

You were not a mage, forcing your body to heal through magic would leave you like... like.. like this! 

Red walked slowly toward you, stopping until his shoes were directly in front of your face. You glared up at him, wishing with all your strength to just get back up and punch him again.

“really, i wanted to go about this gently, but you just have to be a fucking pain in my ass, do you? very well, let’s get this over quickly.”

He paused a moment to lit up a cigarette.

“as of yesterday, you are officially on vacation for the police, and officially dead for the mob. i killed you in that warehouse in front of four witnesses, but since the boss doesn’t want to leave trails and get openly involved with the police, I got rid of your corpse and used you cellphone and credit card to ask for all your available vacation days and buy a ticket for a long cruise.”

He exhaled a mouthful of smoke and smirked down at you.

“you’re probably watching dolphins in the ocean by now.”

You gritted your teeth, trying and failing to get back up.

You felt hungover, with a pounding headache starting to worm its way between your temples and your mind sluggishly trying to understand why and how you got in this situation.

“Why?”

“i dunno, isn’t that why humans go on cruises?”

“No, you moron! Why did you orchestrate all of this? Your _friends_ said they weren’t going to kill me in the first place.”

Instead of answering, he sat down with his back against the wall, exhaling a puff of smoke and piercing you with his red gaze.

“why didn’t you accept to use me?”

What was he... oh. He was talking about _that_ other can of worms.

You sighed in frustration. “Can you stop avoiding my questions?”

He stayed silent, just keeping smoking.

Ugh.

You managed to roll on your side and gingerly get up on your elbow, finally propping your back against the bed in a sitting position.

When the room stopped tilting to the side, you sighed and answered. “You already listened to my reasons, what more do you want me to say? I can’t fake love to make you talk, and you’re too smart to fall for it anyway. A truth potion,” you said glaring at him, “is illegal and it only makes you being honest; a love potion is even more violating. There’s a reason why I covered your eyes when you drank it, Red.”

Silence fell in the room as Red mulled over your words.

Then he started slowly talking, counting on his fingers. “three broken ribs, a cracked cheekbone, a split lip, burns on your back and a concussion. you know what would have happened if i’d let them continue?”

You grimaced. “More roughing up, probably more broken bones. Oh, the gut punch was a nice touch, thanks. Now let’s go back to you breaking my neck.”

He raised his right hand, showing you his bony fingers: aside from his tacky ring decorated with a skull design (really subtle, Red), you noticed that there was a noticeable crack on the middle one.

You blinked a couple of times. “Did you broke your finger to make that sound?”

Red shrugged and put his hand back away. “i had to put on a show. now, broken bones are not such a big deal for a monster, but for a puny human like you it’s not so simple. Looks like for you to be fully healed it’s going to take a few more days.”

You opened your mouth, ready to tell him what exactly you thought about his healing methods... but then you shut it.

Whatever his reasons, he saved you, and you had done nothing but bitching at him since you woke up. On the other hand, it was pretty much his fault to begin with if you were in this situation.

He was helping you because he was obviously still under the potion’s effect, but he seemed lucid enough to make rational decisions: he probably felt compelled to keep you from getting more hurt, but what about healing you and going against his boss’ orders?

How much was he exactly able to act on his own volition and not as a puppet of the potion? You had to trade carefully and not lower your guard around him until you knew for sure.

You looked around the room, trying to find a clue about your location; it was dark outside and you didn’t hear traffic noises, and the room itself was the definition of anonymous: a bed and a bedside table, no pictures, no clothes lying around.

This wasn’t a room somebody used regularly.

“Where are we?”

“let’s call it a safe house.”

“And where is this safe house?”

“somewhere out of the city.”

“Are you going to say something actually useful?”

“nope.”

You resisted the urge to scream. “You said everyone thinks I’m dead or on vacation, so there’s no need for a “safe house”, right?”

“gee, why didn’t i think about bringing you to your home that’s supposedly empty right now, i’m sure no one from the mob would get suspicions of lights and noises down there.”

Someone color you impressed, for once the psycho had actually a point.

“Right, screw my house for now. Wait, does Jin think I’m on vacation too?”

Red snuffed his cigarette on the floor and gripped your ankle.

“i’m not taking you at his house. you’re staying here.”

Somewhere in your brain a red alarm began slowly going on and off, reminding you that you were talking to someone who was hardly in his right mind even without a love potion running around his metaphorical veins.

You tried to jerk your leg out of his grip. The idiot didn’t let go.

“This is beginning to seem less and less as a rescue and more and more as a kidnapping.”

He shrugged.

“if you want to see it that way.”

_Don’t scream in his face don’t scream in his face don’t scream in his face..._

“Red,” you said with barely restrained frustration, “I’m sure you want to find that antidote as much as I do, and if they really put Gab in witness protection I have more chances to find information than you do. I have to go back to work.”

“really? is that why no one bothered to tell you that you were on a wild goose chase this whole week?”

That actually shut you up.

For a couple of seconds.

“The whole point of witness protection is not going around blabbering about it left and right.”

“yeah, keep telling yourself that. your boss lied to you and then tried to use you as a meat bait for me. sounds like there’s some trouble in heaven, after all.”

You groaned and rested the back of your head against the bed’s cover, staring at the ceiling.

It looked like you had to try reasoning with him from another angle.

“Red, what happens is the potion’s effect really does wear off on its own while I’m still here? You know that normally you wouldn’t want me here. And I don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night with a knife pointed at my neck and you screaming about how a disgusting bastard I am and that you now have to kill me to wash away your shame.”

The grip on your ankle tightened, and you felt sharp points prickling your skin.

“will you just fucking relax? i’m not a lovesick puppy who sees you surrounded by a shower of hearts and flowers, okay? i still find you as much a pain in my ass as i did before.”

He paused and you looked back at him, wondering if maybe things were less desperate as you had thought them to be.

“i just want to fuck you very hard.”

You sputtered and actually managed to wrestle your ankle out of his grasp, glaring daggers at him. “ _Really,_ Red? Do you must always...! _Come on_!”

“what?”

“Can you please stop putting that image in my mind?”

His mouth twisted in a wicked grin and in a blink of an eye he was straddling you.

_£$% &=!!_

“RED!”

“what? i’m trying to help you focus on that image; you should fight your inner demons, not run from them.”

“Ugh.”

He leaned on you, the gleaming of his gold tooth catching your sight.

“just try to visualize it: me, you, this bed, me on you, you on me, your pretty moans in the air...”

“First, I don’t moan. Second, get off me. Third, my only consolation right now is the fact that when you’re back to normal you’re going to think back to all this crap you’re saying and wish you could kick yourself. Please be a dear and send me a video when that happens.”

You put your hands on his shoulders and shoved him off your lap, then you got up on trembling legs, using the bed as leverage.

“Now, if you don’t mind, I really need to use the bathroom.”

Red looked up at you with a grin, seeming to be still comfortable on the floor where you shoved him.

“first door on the left. and don’t bother with the window, you can walk out the front door just fine if you wanna try and escape.”

You rolled your eyes and carefully walked to the door, trying to not faceplanting on the floor again.

“I don’t need to escape, I’m not so helpless that I’ve forgotten how to manage you” you retorted, annoyed.

Before you exited the room, however, the image of his cracked finger flashed once again in front of your eyes.

You brought you hand on your side, feeling your still healing ribs under your clothes.

...

_Damn_. 

“Kidnapping aside...” you said, opening the door and not looking at him, “Thank you. For helping me.”

There was a moment of silence in which you waited for the world to explode around you while Red probably looked at you with his jaw hanging open or something like that, then you decided that awkward moment had lasted enough and stepped outside the room.

Only to have Red teleporting right in front of you in the next instant.

“ _Holy freaking cow!_ ” you exclaimed while your hand automatically went to grab your gun, only to find empty air.

Right, you didn’t have it anymore.

“Will you just _stop_ doing this?!”

He seemed unconcerned by your freakout.

“three weeks.”

... what?

“ _Three weeks_ what?” you said crossing your arms.

“that’s how long you’ll stay on vacation. it’s not like i’m keeping you here forever, you know.”

“This is nonsense. Considering how much magic you gave me I’ll be fully healed in a couple of days, and I still have an investigation to finish. I’ll give you a week, mostly because I could use some sleep and I was planning on staying home anyway before your friends kidnapped me.”

Red tightened his fists, looking extremely frustrated with you.

Then, suddenly, he gained again his shit-eating grin.

“i’ll tell my brother to bring here your idiot friend.”

Your-

“Wait, what? Are you talking about Jin?” 

“yes. boss said he’s making too much noise anyway because he’s suspicious about your sudden vacation. if we bring him here, he’ll stop asking questions and you can tell him to investigate in your place.”

You opened and closed your mouth a couple of times, taken aback by his sudden smugness.

Did he really think that you would accept to stay here for three weeks with him just because he said he would let you see your friend?

...

Well, you _did_ want to see Jin; you could think about your next move after you talked with him. 

You pointed your finger at Red’s chest.

“I’ll talk with him and discuss the situation, but that doesn’t mean I’m forsaking my job as long as I’m here. We have a potion trafficker to catch and an antidote to find, there’s no time for a three weeks honeymoon in the middle of nowhere.”

“oh, i don’t know about _that_...” snickered Red as you walked past him to finally go to the bathroom.

You slapped the back of his skull.

Moron. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fanart!  
> https://ladyflame-ask.tumblr.com/post/612130297269682176/a-fanart-for-hugthefriendlycactus-from-the

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo, I have a Tumblr now. If you want to come and keep me company, you are welcome! https://hugthefriendlycactus.tumblr.com/  
> Also, in case someone feels like buying me a coffee, here's the link: https://ko-fi.com/9friendlycactus3  
> Don't worry, I'll keep writing the same way and for everyone, don't feel forced to give me the big money, okay?


End file.
